


Steve Rogers Girlboss Moments

by Anonymous



Category: I Care A Lot (2020), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dark Steve Rogers, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Retelling, Song: Wildest Dreams (Taylor Swift)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:15:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29628948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Steve Rogers, thirty-something caregiver guardian thingie, just got the ward of a lifetime. Alright, I know everyone wants a fix-it fic where Steve simply, spoiler alert, drowns, but the movie gave us what it gave us! Girl, if you've never imposed an incredible amount on a convenience store worker in the middle of the night, well, we can't all be neurotypical, Karen.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Kudos: 1
Collections: anonymous





	Steve Rogers Girlboss Moments

**Author's Note:**

> "Hey, ______, why can't I see my mother!" A man with a scraggly beard wearing a Red Hat caught Steve at the steps of the courthouse. Steve smiled and rolled his eyes. You get a thick skin, being gay and evil. Being gay makes you get a thick skin, right, and then that makes it easier to be evil, because you're gay so you're evil. Do you like that? Do you like girlboss Steve? Well, maybe you will. You have to admit that he is extremely fucked up looking, in that stupid suit and yellow sneakers, with that insanely fucked hair.

"Oh, what are YOU gonna do about it?" Steve said. "I'm gonna taser your balls. Feminism. Come on Natasha. Bothering us out here. Unbelievable." Steve got in his stupid little car with his gal-pal. They went to bribe a doctor to get another ward.

"Yeah, it's a real cherry." She said, and gave Steve a file. James Byrne. He had no family, which either made it easier to rob him, beaurocracy-wise, or morality wise.

"Is that even a real name? Anyone could be named that. James Byrnes." Steve said.

"It's Byrne singular, Steve Rogers." The doctor said.

"She got you there." Natasha said.

"Huh, hmm, let me think of a name for my Russian girlfriend, she goes to another school, umm, Romanov."

"Well, marry me then, bitch."

Anyways, they went down to Byrnes's house, which was pretty nice. Like, very nice. Anyways, they got Byrnes. He, if you were wondering, was old as fuck, like maybe over 100, they were going to have to move pretty fast, and he was very dementia. "Oh, helloo, what can I do for you, sonny?"

Steve explained that he was Byrnes's new gaurdian and stuff. "Well, I never went to court." Byrnes said. "Well, for emergencies, the court can fuck you." Rogers said, and they got him, oh they got him. He was like, "Huh? What?" The whole time. He even sat on his new bed like, huh? What?

Anyways, so they started stripping his house, his fabrige eggs, they took his secret little key. They found out that he had a SDB, which was in the same city that the story takes place in, if you were wondering what city the SDB was in, it was in the first city they looked in. They found some old things, and some diamonds. Lots of movies on Netflix about loose diamonds. 

"Can I get my cell phone, doll?" Byrne said to the front desk one day, and they said no, bitch! Hahaha! And they fucked with his meds to keep him docile. 

Then on a Wednesday, some dude came calling at Brynes's house, and they turned him away. "Haha, I knew he wasn't single. He's dating someone younger than him, just you wait." Steve said. 

The dude was Happy or something, this is where my story really falls apart, because the mysterious weekday caller... was Tony Stark. I don't know, some rich guy, with a cool beard.

"Oh, that's weird. Well, what's wrong, where is he?" Tony said.

"Oh, for the drama, I didn't follow through."

"Oh. Is this the part where I'm mean to you? Well come on, we should, like, call the police or something Jesus." Well, they found him at a care facility, and sent an incompetent lawyer--I mean a lawyer that didn't have the same reputation that Steve did. With the court. You see, Steve did this everyday, so the judge was totally gonna let him keep doing it. Because Steve was, like, naturally evil. Like, um, what's the word, the trait that automatically makes you evil, in this world we all live and make decisions in?

"Girl, I am boarderline starving, after we fix this minor inconvenience, I'm gonna eat a shit ton of eclairs." Tony said. Tony is rich too, right, but you want him to get Bucky back even though he sells weapons or whatever. Also, it's fucking Tony, you love Tony. "Girl I'm gonna sociopathically keep talking like this because it's kind of fun. Oh, yeah, I'm calling a lawyer, it's gonna get fixed. What else? I'll start acting traumatized, not like on TV like real traumatized, if this doesn't get sorted. Is that one? What am I doing? Kin."

Anyways, Steve just ate the lawyer. And said, mm yummy. "Listen to me. Give me all your money or you hate your dumb father. And let me tell you, he is dumb. If I were him, I would not have gotten into this situation. You're all stupid, I'm gonna fucking kill you."

So, Tony sent Happy to get James out the facility, it didn't work, though, they got really close. And Tony was sitting in the car like aw fuck. Steve was frankly confused that they would try to infiltrate a facility like it was an *ACTUAL* prison, and also he totally almost let Natasha take the fall for incapacitating Happy, but then it all turned out just a-okay. No one got in trouble because they were both right. Steve interrogated Byrnes.

"Um, yeah, Howard. I know that guy." 

"I'm gonna take your drugs away."

"Thank God. I think I just said something very stupid because I feel fucking faded. Hey, I stopped caring about my cell phone, can I have a fucking hit of that vape thingie, what's in it? I used to smoke." Steve had a vape.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"I get that, genius. You're familiar."

"I'm your fucking legal guardian, Byrnes, I'm not gonna give you this vape, go read a book or try to jerk off in this place or something. I'm gonna keep you up all night and make your days a living hell."

"You're just fucking mad. Maybe stop being so mad. Maybe control yourself. Maybe you could please stop saying stupid shit on Twitter, by the way. On my phone that I don't have."

"I fucking know that. Fine, Byrnes, use up my stupid little battery."

James took a hit and the thingie crackled. Steve looked up Howard, and, for the record, he'd known a Howard, but it probably wasn't the same Howard. I mean, maybe. There aren't that many Howards, you know? If Steve ever settles down, maybe he'll surrogate a baby named Howard. Anyways, just to stress, he wasn't fucking with Tony on purpose, he just needed Byrnes to not leave the fucking facility or get his faculties back, or else Steve would be running a loss. Everything would crumble if he didn't pursue this, it was self defense. Everything would crumble if he didn't pursue this. Anyways, Natasha found that Byrnes was a fake name.

And they found diamonds, did I mention they found diamonds? And so they were very happy. Utter domestic bliss. "Hey, would you fuck me?" Natasha said, "Just to try it?" And Steve said, "I dunno, maybe." They were pretty cute, irregardless. Steve hid the diamonds, he taunted Tony about it later because that was the Stark fortune, Steve had given one diamond to a jeweler, and then said that Tony would never find him, like maybe he'd hit every jeweler in town with one diamond each, but no, he just put them in a coffee tin, and after Tony'd gotten people into his house, it would have been funny if Steve poured the whole coffee tin out and Natasha was like, what is this, coffee? Huh?

Things started getting really insane. Oh by the way, the doctor from the beginning died because the lawyer said people would start dying because in the movie, it's the mafia, not just SI being cool. Well, I mean, hey. Tony can kill people if he really wants. So anyways, Steve and Natasha started moving around, kind of fucking scared, and then they kidnapped Steve in a parking garage, because even if you are ruining like 20 or so old people's lives and the lives of their families at any given time and you always dress nice and can just sneak away into a house you vacated with your pretty gal-pal who just comes to work with you when she's got nothing else to do, you can still get fucking tranq-darted in a parking garage. They took him to Tony.

"Hey sunshine." Tony said when he woke up, and then they scared Steve like they were gonna just kill him right then and there, but they didn't and it was so fucked up. "You want to throw me a fucking bone here? And give me back Bucky? My dad cared about him, you fuck."

"He's not even your dad? Oh my God did Bucky FUCK HOWARD?"

"I don't know." Tony smacked him with a glove and then they went back to business. "He's just an old man. I am allowed to have more than one or two surrogate dads, alright? Hey, look at this. Yeah, it's your mom. So, how would you feel, bitch?"

"I don't care about her." Steve said, staring into Tony's luminous eyes. "I want 10 million dollars. You're gonna kill me, anyways."

"WHAT??"

"Yeah, I'm fucked up."

"You know what? I'm not a mobster type, but yeah fuck it I'm gonna kill you." Tony said, and they held a rag against Steve's face for a long time until Steve finally succumbed and then injected Steve with alcohol I think, and then put him back in his car, he rarely drove anyways it was usually Natasha who waited in the car. They did it really clean, they put vodka in the car and got the wheels to spin, and they sent him down the hill, into the woods, and into a lake.

Steve had had this nightmare before, the drowning one, and the drugs were really lending themselves to the nightmare, but then water went over his face and he lost his mind trying to get out of the car. And he did. People say this part was dumb, I was gonna have it be a ravine and the car lands on him and he just lifts it and amputates his leg, but the drowning thing is, you know, Steve. He got out and THEN it seemed like he would drown trying to find which way was up, but he made it out of the water! god dammit, stay dead, bitch. And he walked all the way to a convince store and almost pasted out. He bought a dry shirt and a dry sweatshirt, and he changed right in front of the cashier, so that was all worth it, really, and then tried to bribe him to call Natasha, but she didn't pick up. Because she'd been kidnapped too. Steve made the cashier call him a cab instead of trying to front cash for an Uber on card, and a cab actually did come. And Steve had pulled out his tooth, I don't know maybe it was cyanide. And right in front of the cashier he opened up the milk, this was after being drugged down his nose and almost passing out twice, and he slipped his tooth in there because in a situation like this, THAT is real and important to Steve because he was just that handsome. The cab took him to his and Natasha's lair.

The house was flooded with CO, which was fucked up, but Natasha wasn't there, just a knocked over lamp. Steve turned off the stove and went through the kitchen and then left to try and find fucking Natasha. Then he gave up and went to get her out of the castle like a video game.

He'd seen the license plate of the car, and followed that lead to the garage of Tony Stark's building, and Steve had a very exciting plot that included fixing his hair so he looked 10 years younger, and using a syringe and a taser. The receptionist almost didn't let him in because he was a bad liar when it came to a murder plot. He, since it obviously wasn't the Tower, he just want to the parking garage to find the car because probably Tony was in there or up in his office, and he got lucky--

"Hey there Taylor Swift. Little wrench in your scheme. You think you can threaten Bucky and then use surveillance tapes of him trying to fucking kill you you little cockroach and get him institutionalized--Bucky Barnes institutionalized!--think again smile sweetie, you're on camera." Tony said on the loudspeaker. 

Steve regrouped and he did get Tony knocked out, and took him to the woods and stripped him and then a jogger found him.

"Fucking got you." Steve was there in the hospital when Tony woke up. "There's laws saying I can be your legal guardian now."

"Steve, this has gone to far." Natasha said, dressed up like a nurse.

"Hey!"

"Yeah, we kidnapped her and made her on our side. Or maybe she always was. Anyways, I'm glad I got Bucky back. Hey, I was thinking of going into business with you." Tony said. "And corporatize this legal guardianship racket. Also I have too much paperwork for you to do this to me, but if you think I'll give you 10 million dollars, you are insane. That's not how wealth works. You and I are gonna be partners and have a wall of people like in a museum."

And yeah, that guy in the hat from the beginning killed Steve point blank and got taken away, because there is nothing I do better than revenge and also that could be your mom. The guy's mom, that could be your mom. Even if you mean well. What are you gonna do, bitch, if you have parents what are you gonna do? Hire a nurse to come and fuck them instead of letting the hospital do it? Girl, what do they deserve?


End file.
